Monday, February 16, 2015

Comment Wall

Comment Away!


  1. Lance, I think you did a great job writing the introduction. The writing itself was very well-written, clear and interesting. I loved that the characters that you introduced and the active verbs you used when describing the setting and actions taking place. The description was really great and it seemed so tranquil. I love that you made the characters two kids and their grandpa because that's always a fun dynamic.

    The only question I have is one that I am left with at the end of your introduction. How will you get people to read your stories after reading the introduction? How will the introduction be used to pique the interest of the audience and get them to keep reading through the stories you will write. I think if you could hint this at the end of the story, or somehow incorporate it somewhere else, it would help the reader and make them want to find out more. I think this would help with the cohesiveness of the storybook as well.

    But overall, I think the introduction looks good. Good use of images on the home page and the introduction to bring that visual element for your reader. I am looking forward to reading more as you develop this storybook! Good job!

  2. Hi Lance! I really liked your introduction. You did a great job with your imagery and really paint a picture of the surroundings in your story. Also, I love the image that you chose. It contributes to the tranquil feel of your story.

    I'm curious about what you will write about in the rest of your storybook. I have a feeling that you'll have the grandfather tell the origin story of the Ganges River but maybe you should have the kids excited to hear about it in the introduction because you just brushed it aside and did not set up any other stories.

    However, I think you did great at formatting your introduction. All of the quotes are broken up efficiently so you always know who is talking or who is replying in the conversation. Also, you have a very easy to read font.

    Anyways, I’m just very curious about your storybook since I have no idea what to expect!

  3. When I first entered your website I thought that it looked very cheerful, and I really liked the picture that you picked for your first page! While reading your story I liked how you used the dialogue. I find dialogue to be very hard to use, but some people are just good at envisioning what would be said. I think you did a great job with this! I think one of my favorite lines was when the grandfather said, ‘…you must want something… because you only bless me with your presence when you have requests.’ I laughed when I read this, and it was one of the lines in your story that made me want to keep reading it!

    Reading this really left me wanting more! I can’t wait to read some more of your stories throughout the semester, and hear some of the tales of Ralla. You did a great job of bringing this story to life, and I hope you keep up the good work!

  4. Yes, I’m going to be that person who comments on here twice in a row. This is for extra credit this week, so I wanted to address one of the questions that you had about my storybook. The reason I gave each of my characters a different personality was to just bring each of them to life in their own way. I thought if they each had some “personality type” that it would be easier for me to write their personal story later on! Thanks for checking out my storybook website! I hope your semester is going great!

  5. Lance,
    Your website is very pleasing to the eye. It is bright and colorful and the image is quite beautiful- a very good choice it gives a nice opener to the stories to come.
    The introduction was wonderful, while also a very good introduction to the topic, it was also an entertain story in and of itself. The dialogue was quite genius. It adds so much personality to the characters. I could really see a happy, little, wise, old grandpa taking his squirmy, curious grandchildren to go swimming. The story of how the grandpa got the scar on his back was so well done. The story was short and to the point as it would need to be for children, but also informative enough to quench their curiosity.
    The only main issue I see is with the font. It is just small enough to make the eye strain to see after a little bit of reading. Other than that, I really enjoyed this storybook. I hope to get to read more!

  6. The introduction was wonderful. Great dialogue and flow. One suggestion that I have is the introduction paragraph; for some reason the first sentence throws me off. I am probably being silly, but I think if you dove right into the second sentence it would capture the audiences’ attention more. Also, I am not sure this is intentional, but your font changes at the end. The last three sections look like a different font than the rest of the introduction.

    I REALLY like that you repeated the last few sections of the introduction into your first story. What a fantastic way to transition! I also enjoyed how you the boys’ interest jumped from the pool to their grandfather’s tale. One more compliment (I just can’t stop); I can tell you really thought about how to make your storybook different from the rest. By making your first story about the landscape and how it is represented culturally is ingenious.

    The one suggestion I have is when you say ‘Then, Shiva grabbed Ravana by the neck….’ And the next sentence is ‘Shiva then picked up…’ I think it might flow just a little more smoothly if you change one of the ‘thens.’

    Great job!

  7. After reading your introduction a while ago I knew that I had to come back and read some of your stories. I was happy that you had a new story up since the last time I was here.

    First I really like how your first three lines were the same as the end of your introduction post. I thought this was creative and a good way to bring the stories together. It was also a good way to segue into the story you were telling this time.

    You did a good job of making the children ask questions that an actual child would ask. Such as, “So you’re telling us that the fruits scarred you?” One thing I saw was in your sentence, “green was an odd aura surrounding two figures on mountainside.” I think here you should say two figures on the/a mountainside.

    I like how you had Ralla keep talking, but not addressing the scar right away. I think this was a good way to keep the story going and to have the children constantly invested in the story.

    You also did a good job of showing the children’s genuine interest in the stories after that. I liked how they thought their grandpa was ‘cool’ or at least interesting after that.

  8. Hi Lance! I thought you did a great job setting up your storybook! The picture you chose for your cover page was perfect and so beautiful! and it goes very well with your background and page theme. Your introduction was well written and interesting. I liked how you led from the introduction's set up to the first story with the grandfather's scar. The only thing I noticed that you may want to change, is that I think you spell one of the grandson's name differently. In the first half of the introduction (above the picture) you spelled the name "Danzel" but underneath the picture and throughout the first story, the name was twice spelled "Danzl".
    I loved the lead in to your first story by repeating the last lines of the introduction. For anyone reading one story at a time that would be very helpful. You also did great at the end of the first story extending the conversation with the grandchildren and Ralla to lead into the next stories. The story was very well written and it was easy to picture what was happening in the story while reading it. I look froward to reading more of your storybook. Great job!

  9. Hi Lance! I really like your storybook! I like the layout and colors on your site; it is very easy to navigate and visually pleasing. I really like the picture you chose for your homepage. It is bright and sparks my interest in what your storybook is going to be about. I enjoyed your introduction. You did an excellent job with the dialogue! I like that the introduction left off on a question that was to be addressed in your first story! Who doesn’t love a cliffhanger? I think that is a great way to leave your reader wanting more and it encourages them to move onto the read the next story to find answers!

    Your first story was very easy to read. I like how quickly your dialogue bounces back and fourth and it is very easy to follow. Excellent job! I really enjoyed your story and I am looking forward to reading more from you as the semester continues!

  10. Lance, today I am going to be commenting on your Introduction. So far your website looks great. The font was very fun but it was also very readable. The only thing is that within the Introduction there are two different sizes of fonts. The first one is very small and the next one is a bit larger. I think that you should make this uniform and also use the second, larger font because it just makes it very easy to read. I could also navigate through the site very easily. The pictures that you used for the Home page and the Introduction page are also very pretty. If I had to make another suggestion it would be to take out the search bar at the top of the page because I feel that it is needed.

    I think the Introduction is great because you have set up the characters very well and there are no grammar mistakes. I also love how you set up the ending. I was a good cliffhanger.

  11. Hey Lance! I am commenting on the first story in your storybook. First of all, I really like the picture you have for your cover page as well as the background color scheme you have chosen. The yellow really pops out in a good way. Also, the font that you have chosen is awesome because it gives it that feel of a storybook. I think you did a great job with your story especially at the end because the conversation between Ralla and the grandchildren sets up to transition into the next story. Your story was well written and the dialogue between the grandchildren and Ralla was fantastic. The way you described everything also made it easy for me to paint a picture in my head of what was going on in the story. Keep up the great work. Overall you did a great job with this story and I am looking forward to reading more of your stories later on this semester!

  12. Hi Lance! In a previous week of class I had read your introduction and your story “ The Story Behind the Scar.” You did such a wonderful job writing those, that I was excited to see that I was assigned to read a story from you again! I really enjoyed your “Help Needed” storybook story! You did a great job with the dialogue. I love how you pulled off the curiosity of a child being told stories by his grandfather. I loved the detail you included, I felt like I was actually being told a story. I liked that you vividly described Rama.

    I love the picture that you included in your story! It really helped me to visualize the setting of the story that the grandpa was telling his grandchildren.

    You did an excellent job overall and I am looking forward to reading more stories from you in the upcoming weeks of class!

  13. Hi Lance,

    It’s so awesome revisiting your storybook. It’s expanded so much since I last read it. I like that all of your storybook is told from the grandfather’s dialogue. Having an elder relay these tales to a younger generation brings across the ancient and classic themes in the story. This kind of storytelling reminds me of the movie “The Princess Bride” where the grandfather is reading the novel to his grandson! I feel like that could’ve even worked with your storybook too, if the grandfather wasn’t part of the tales he was just reading them from a book!

    I was a bit confused by the last section of your storybook, Lei Tree, because I felt like the ending was very abrupt. I feel you could have still had a positive ending in your story and kept part of the origin. Maybe with the grandfather telling the boys that like the Lei Tree too much of a good thing can be bad. Just like eating too many sweets. Anyways just a thought.

    Overall, great job on your storybook. You told a lot of interesting tales that other students didn’t even touch on!

  14. Lance,

    I am replying to the post you left on my comment wall (thank you for visiting by the way).

    I had a hard time deciding between the portfolio and the storybook. It seems like the storybooks all stay consistent with a theme, while the portfolios can be your favorite stories that you have written. I think having a theme is really neat, but I had a feeling that it would eventually restrict my creative writing, so I chose to do the portfolio.

    I also appreciate your comments about my font. I’ve notice you do a great job of switching fonts for different stories and characters!

  15. Hey Lance!

    Starting off with your title, "Epic Adventures," very original. :D
    I'm kidding, I like your title and I also love your background. The font is awesome and it makes me feel like I'm actually about to go on an adventure or like a safari... but the font and the yellow background are great. Very easy on the eyes and easy to read as well.

    I read the story about the scar and I adore, adore, adore the dialogue with the grandfather and the kids. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my grandfather told me all these stories about his own adventures, which he still does to this day. I also liked how you showed the kids asking their questions, ever curious, just how kids are.

    Your writing flowed really well, making it even more fun to read and altogether it was a job well done!

  16. Hi Lance.
    I read "The Story Behind the Scar." What a cool and interesting way to tell a tale. Every scar tells a story. I felt like I was one of the boys impatiently waiting to hear what happened to their grandfather. You did a great job of adding dialogue to your story. It flowed very well and was very fun to read. I loved the picture you chose, it seemed very serene. I thoroughly enjoyed the detail and description you chose to use in your story. I thought describing Ravanna as ravenous was definitely fitting. Ralla narrowly escaping death was a great choice. I bet the boys were on the edge of their seats. You did a great job on this weeks story. I can tell you spent a great deal of time with it. I did not see any grammatical errors so it looks like you spent some time revising your story. Good look finishing your storybook Lance.