Where the Fruit Grow
“Grandpa,
grandpa,” cried out Danzl and Kuroff, “what happened to your back?”
“What do
you speak of?” responded Ralla.
“Your
back! You have that massive scar on your back. How did it get there?” pleaded
Danzl and Kuroff.
“Well,
you see there once ruled a villain named Ravana. And Ravana enjoyed wreaking
havoc on any and everyone. For a few thousand years Ravana was especially
violent. Village after village was destroyed because Ravana simply found violence
to be – fun.” explained Ralla.
“But the
scar, how did you get the scar?” asked Kuroff.
“Oh,
yes! The scar. Where were we now?” said Ralla.
“Did you
fight the villain yourself?” implored Danzl.
Ralla
chuckled. “Oh no! I was simply collecting the fruits that had come to season.
It just so happened that I ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time.” exclaimed
Ralla.
Ralla,
with a look of bewilderment on his face, said, “So you’re telling us that the
FRUITS scarred you?”
“Now let
me explain,” remarked Ralla, “I was in the fruit fields that are fed by the
Ganges just south of Mount Kailasa. I was harvesting the fruits for the family
when I heard a thunder from the mountains. I could not tell what was going on,
but the mountains themselves looked very peculiar. Black were the clouds, red
were sparks flying and green was an odd aura surrounding two figures on
mountainside.”
Ralla
and Kuroff, both wide-eyed, were engaged in nothing but the tale.
“It was
the tenacious terror – Ravana. On this particular day he had chosen to fight
the mountain god Shiva. Shiva was no chump now. Ravana, even with all of his trickery,
was up for quite the battle with artist of war like Shiva.” Explained Ralla.
“So how
did the SCAR come about?” begged the children.
“Ah yes,
the scar! You see, the battle between the two was quite turbulent; the ground
shook, the water in the Ganges crashed against the banks and rocks exploded
from the side of Kailasa.” detailed Ralla.
The
children, not knowing their grandfather had ever experienced anything half this
exciting, were on the edge of their proverbial seats.
“The
fight was back and forth – hours went by as the two exchanged blows. Then,
Shiva grabbed Ravana by the neck and thrust him to the ground. Shiva then
picked up the entire Himalayan mountain range and pinned Ravana down with it.” said
Ralla.
“And
when Shiva jabbed the Himalayas down as his sword, boulders tumbled from its
side. And, unfortunately, one of those boulders struck me in the back as I ran
for cover.” described Ralla.
“Awesome!”
exclaimed the kids. “Do you have any more cools stories to tell?” beseeched
Kuroff.
Author's note:
The background for this story is that in the Hindu culture, mount Kailasa is a venerated landmark. This is due to the belief that Shiva still resides there. I chose two write this in third person because I wanted readers to understand the emotions on both sides of the conversation. This was my attempt at explaining the events at Mount Kailasa that afford it special attention. I thought it would be more realistic to include traits of the characters like impatience on the part of the children and a tendency to side-track by an elder.
Bibliography:
Buck, William (1976). Ramayana: King Rama's Way.
I think you got the names of the characters switched around in a few places. Might want to double-check yourself on that next time: “Ralla, with a look of bewilderment on his face, said, “So you’re telling us that the FRUITS scarred you?”” and here: “Ralla and Kuroff, both wide-eyed, were engaged in nothing but the tale.”
ReplyDeleteI really like the dramatic way this was phrased, but you might consider making it just a bit more clear by adding a “the” between “red were” and “sparks”, as I did in the brackets: “Black were the clouds, red were [the] sparks flying and green was an odd aura surrounding two figures on mountainside.”
In this sentence, you’ll want to remember articles and check your capitalization, as well: “Ravana, even with all of his trickery, was up for quite the battle with [an] artist of war like Shiva.” E[e]xplained Ralla.”
Overall though, I actually really enjoyed your story. You did a great job with the characters, portraying the impatience of the children especially! I love hearing the story of such an epic battle from the point of view of a common man. Very interesting take! Just be sure to proofread extra closely, so your story’s potential can shine through!
I enjoyed your story. I liked the characteristics you gave to the child and the grandfather that were woven throughout the story. I also like the way you told the story from a regular person's view point about what he saw as he was going about his daily tasks.
ReplyDeleteThere were a few mistakes in it to proofread, and a couple places where I had to reread to get a clear picture of the story. In the tenth paragraph, when the grandfather was describing what everything looked like, it was written a little complicated. Particularly a lot of times you want the adjectives right by the nouns they describe instead of having the verbs in between them. For example, maybe "Black clouds, flying red sparks, and an odd green aura surrounded the two figures..." I don't know that what you wrote is grammatically wrong, but it was a bit awkward to read and broke up the flow of the story.
Overall though, I did like your story and I thought you brought great characterizations and viewpoints for the main characters.