Monday, March 9, 2015

Week 9 Storytelling: A City of Splendour


“Go and play now, Virta” said Nartha. “Leave the man to do his work.”

She pointed and led him away. She then chuckled at the inquisitive nature of children.

“He doesn’t bother me a bit,” said the architect.

Nartha responded, “Nonsense, you must work without distraction to have this project finished before the grand rajasuya sacrifice.”

The architect later sought out Virta.

“You know I can build just about anything, right?” asked the architect.

Anything?” implored Virta.

“Yes, is there anything special that you would like for your section of the house? There is a surplus of space,” explained the architect.

“Just last week I built a swimming pool lavish enough to accommodate the Pandavas.”

“My parents wouldn’t permit something grand in my living quarters – after all, I’m a kid!” responded Virta.

“We can keep this between the two of us,” added the architect.

“Well, how would you create something special without my parents knowing?” beseeched Virta.

“Ha! That is the easy part,” scoffed the architect. “I have built all types of secret nooks and crannies for my clients for years.”

Secret?” grinned Virta.

“Of course! Typically it is at the request of the head of the household in order to get some time away from the Mrs. and enjoy the ‘man cave,’” lauded the architect. “But that is beside the point.”

“Virta?” called Nartha as she made her way through the partially constructed palatial abode.

“Okay, so how about you draw up what you think you’d like?” said the architect as he tore off a piece of his design paper. “Come up with a few ideas and I’ll do my best to work it in to your quarters.”

Nartha made her way out to the patio as the architect hurried off to continue his craft.

“What are you doing out here alone?” inquired Nartha.

“I was just playing by myself, per your suggestion,” quipped Virta.

“Well, go wash up and prepare yourself for dinner. We are expecting to have our neighbors – the Pandavas -- over to dine with us,” explained Nartha.

After dinner, Virta hurried off to draw up some sketches for the architect.

“What should I do? The possibilities are limitless!” thought Virta.

“Ah! I know.”

Virta flipped open a few of his favorite books. These tales described an imaginary escape by the main character into a world so exciting that no kid would ever want to leave.

Virta drew up everything that stuck with him during the fictional excursion – slides, elevators, zip lines, and trampolines – and placed the drawings on his nightstand. Off to bed he went, though the excitement made sleeping quite a challenge.

At sunrise the next morning Nartha came in to Virta’s room. “Rise and shine!” exclaimed Nartha. “We’re traveling to the other side of Indraprastha to visit your aunt.”

“Today?” asked Virta.

“Yes, today. Now get ready,” added Nartha.

“Great, I planned on handing the plans over to the architect myself! How will he ever know exactly what I want,” thought Virta.

Off they went. The trip took a half-days time on chariot. As a result, the family stayed with their kin overnight.
 
 
 

Upon arrival the next day Virta darted to his section of the house.

“What happened?” he thought to himself. “This looks. . . normal.”

Virta grew upset at the thought of the architect letting him down.

A tear made its way down Virta’s cheek as he leaned against his wall. Upon touching the wall Virta managed to press on an uneven brick.

Bam! Down went Virta as the wall gave way and he sped down a slide. The slide ended on a foam ball pit. After Virta made his way out of the pit, he marveled at all of the features of his hidden playhouse. Everything he requested was carried out to a tee.
 
"He really is a master of design," thought Virta.
 
Author's note:  My tale was in a third person writing style. I wrote this story because I was inspired by the description of the city of Indraprastha. I hoped to be able to provide depth to the events that occurred when the city was being built. Narayan mentioned the city and all of its grandeur, but he did not include much of the building itself.
Bibliography: Narayan, R. K. (1978). The Mahabharata.

6 comments:

  1. hello, Lance!
    I really enjoyed your story. It reminded me of all of my dreaming as a kid when it came to grand adventures such as this one! Your story is fun, and I almost feel like it has a modern twist to it. What I am really impressed about is how quickly all of this was finished! The only thing I wish were different is the lack of description of the secret place at the end. I feel like you could have added a lot of color to the story with this!

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  2. Hey Lance!
    I really like how you write all of your stories with so much dialogue! All of your dialogue really helps the reader understand your characters. I love that you chose to write about all of the grandeur of the palaces and the image your chose is absolutely breathtaking! Great job on your story and I think you picked a really unique topic to write about.

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  3. This is a fun read! I like how the story centers around Virta rather than a major character, and that you created this story entirely, rather than retelling it from the Mahabharata.

    The way you separated out each moment and line of dialogue into lines makes the read very easy and satisfying. Your writing style is nice and concise, and I didn't notice a single error :) Good work!

    The only thing I would suggest is an expanded author's note, i.e. describe Indraprastha more and it's significance in the Mahabharata.

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  4. Hey Lance! I really enjoyed your story. I like how you incorporate the use of lots of dialogue in your story. I think the use of dialogue helps the reader understand the characters better and gives more insight to their thoughts and feelings. It was cool how you managed to twist a small part of the Mahabharata into a completely different story, good job!

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  5. Hey Lance!
    This is a good story. I liked that a child was the main focus; that is uncommon in stories aimed at adults! I also enjoyed your picture choice and the way you placed it in the middle of the story—where it was relevant! Your story was interesting and I think you did a great job using the dialogue, which can be especially difficult for some people to integrate.
    Below are some possible corrections for you to consider:
    ““Just last week I built a swimming pool lavish enough to accommodate the Pandavas.”” You might try putting a comma in this sentence, like this: “Just last week, I built a swimming pool lavish enough to accommodate the Pandavas.”
    ““Of course! Typically it is at the request of the head of the household in order to get some time away from the Mrs. and enjoy the ‘man cave,’” lauded the architect. “But that is beside the point.”” I personally think it looks strange to write “Mrs.” without an actual name following the title, so I would consider writing out the title instead of using the usual abbreviation: “misses”. But this is my opinion; I’m not sure this if your original way of writing it is incorrect.
    ““Okay, so how about you draw up what you think you’d like?” said the architect as he tore off a piece of his design paper. “Come up with a few ideas and I’ll do my best to work it in to your quarters.”” I would change this to: “work it into your quarters.” “Into” should be only one word in this case.
    ““Well, go wash up and prepare yourself for dinner. We are expecting to have our neighbors – the Pandavas -- over to dine with us,” explained Nartha.” You use two different types of separators here, which is an eyesore. I was taught to use hyphens in situations such as this. To get a hyphen—like these—you never leave a space between the hyphen and the words and you hit the dash button—which is between the number zero and the plus sign—twice, the two dashes will automatically change to a hyphen as long as you did not leave a space between the dashes and your words!
    “Upon arrival the next day Virta darted to his section of the house.” I would place a comma after “Upon arrival the next day”.

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  6. Hi Lance.
    I like your writing style. It is refreshing to read something organized differently rather than just paragraph after paragraph. I liked the idea of the secret nooks and crannies to sneak out to a man cave haha. A hidden playhouse would be awesome! What a cool idea.
    I really enjoyed the story. I think you did a great job on this one.

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